Hours before Orson Welles died on 10th October 1985, he appeared one last time on the Merv Griffin Show and Griffin asked him. “Were there certain parts of your life that were really joyous?” Welles paused for a moment and replied, “Oh, yes. There are certain parts of every day that are joyous… I’m not essentially a happy person, but I have all kinds of joy. There’s a difference, you know, because joy is a great big electrical experience. And just happiness is, what, I don’t know. A warthog can be happy.”
LESTER: Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to LesterCorp?
CRAIG: Well, sir, I’m an excellent filer.
LESTER (crafty): You think so, eh? Which comes first, L or… Glooph?
CRAIG: Glooph is not a letter, sir.
LESTER: Damn, you are good. I tried to trick you. Okay, put these in order.
Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches, eyes wide.
LESTER (flips intercom switch): Floris, get Guinness on the phone.
FLORIS (O.S.): Gehginnis ondah foam?
LESTER: Forget it.
FLORIS (CONT’D): Fork ah did?
LESTER (flips off switch): Fine woman, Floris. I don’t know how she puts up with this damn speech impediment of mine.
CRAIG: You don’t have a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.
LESTER: Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. But I’m afraid I have to trust Floris on this one. You see, she has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. Perhaps you’ve read her memoirs, “I can’t understand a word any of you are saying.”
LESTER: Pity, it tells it like it is. That’s why the eastern, read Jewish, publishing establishment won’t touch it. That’s a quote from the book jacket. George Will, I think.
(beat) I apologize if you can’t understand a word I’m saying, Dr. Schwartz.
CRAIG: No. I understand perfectly.
LESTER (choking up): Thank you for being kind enough to lie. You see, I’ve been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech. You’re hired. Any questions?
(from Being John Malkovich, written by Charlie Kaufman)
With the planet due to be consumed by fire at some point today, it’s maybe time to consider, where are the top five ideal places to witness the end of civilisation and all life on Earth?
5) City/Town/Village Celebration Points
What better place to celebrate the end of mankind and all mankind’s achievements than some state-prescribed public place for celebrating such momentous occasions as the arbitrary accumulation of 365 or 366 days every Jan 1st. (Caution may lack adequate bar/toilet facilities, pls check in advance.)
4) Local Pub
Friends, family, glorious random locals and bar staff that are better than any expensive psychotherapists… what could be better? Alas due to the alcohol policies of successive governments, pubs (public houses, a home from home for all members of the community, drinkers and non-drinkers alike to come together) have closed down, been turned into soulless restaurants / Tesco Metros.
3) In Bed with a Loved One
If you time it right, it could be the orgasm to end all orgasms. But, more than that, what ultimate way to celebrate the ultimate solitude of existence, than as merged as our physiology allows, with a loved one. Maybe forget the sex, get the family together and just hug and share love in your final moments. After all, “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” – Orson Welles
2) Your Own Mind
Meditation, dreaming or quietly in the company of your own counsel. Let’s face it ‘hell is other people’ (Satre). Our experience of ourselves is always coloured by how we perceive others interpret us… are we but objects in the consciousness of others… and ultimately others are all rubbish and let you down. (And let’s face it you’re a bit flaky when it comes to it.) Your existence is only ever your personal reaction to an allegedly objective reality. Celebrate your personal experience of existence as objective reality is finally proven as it explodes in flames all around you.
1) Inside a bucket of water
Fed up with how the universe is always deciding your fate without consulting you? Take matters into your own hands by filling up a bucket of water, completely submerging your head, and inhaling deeply. The impending end of the world could finally give you the courage to take your destiny into your own hands. What price autonomy?